With overwhelming joy and exuberance, I announced I was to be a father. It seemed to be a life long dream that I figured would never come true, seemingly being fulfilled. My life wouldn’t be the same, ever I kept thinking to myself. I wanted to yell to the world, I was going to have a baby; and it was due around my birthday. A nice, lovely, wonderful birthday present it would be.
And then, one Friday in July, it all came crashing down.
My phone buzzed a seemingly innocent text message from the woman who was carrying my child. While I’m not going to divulge exactly what was said, it crushed me. The future I was looking towards, the happiness that this child would bring to me, to his mother, to the world was gone in an instant; and I was no longer going to be a father of a happy, healthy little baby. My baby wouldn’t experience birth, life, happiness, or anything. I wasn’t going to be a father any more.
My baby that I never got to know, that I never got to love, that I’ll never get to hold had died. When I first read the text message, I felt an initial shock, and then disbelief that this was real. After that, I don’t know if I felt anything the rest of that night. I’ve experienced emotions since that night that I didn’t know were possible to feel, and now when I think about the whole situation I just feel sorta numb. Numb mixed with sadness, anger, and hatred. The part I don’t understand, or don’t know how to deal with is what are those emotions for. The sadness for the loss of a child, I understand that. The anger and hatred, I do not. I feel the emotions, but I don’t know what to be angry at, or who to be angry at. And hatred, what do I hate? I feel them but they confuse me so much.
I know I’m not alone in this journey through these emotions, I am surrounded by wonderful people, from family, friends and a special someone… but I feel so alone.I’m sorry this blog post is so short, I felt the need to post an update on this but I don’t really know what else to say about it. There will be more posts coming, more frequently in the near future. I’ll also be posting some videos on my YouTube channel, most likely a few uncut vlogs if I ever get around to having the nerve to record them. Until then, I wish everyone a wonderful day and See you then.